Why I Hate the Phrase “Know Your Worth” and Her Evil Sister “Love Yourself”

I’m sure many of you have run into the above phrases and while spending time on social. In this post I recorded some thoughts AND reservations I have about those two phrases even though I understand the message of self preservation behind them. Click here to listen to this message. As usual I look forward to hearing (or reading) your thoughts on this topic. I also want to hear your thoughts on the take a knee stance in the NFL right now. I’m gonna post on this topic as well.

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The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 5b : How much of the Problem is Us ?

Last week I asked the question “How Much of the Problem Is Us?” The topic was  assigning people who don’t fit our list of  superficial (swag/money/penis/looks) criteria to the “FRIEND ZONE”.  And I ended with three  questions. How much should you overlook  just to say you’re in a relationship (or married)? How picky is too picky? And if you’re the friend, how long do you pine away wishing that the person would just give you a “CHANCE” to prove that you could be “the one?”

I coined a term a few years back called “deal breaker” (others have since “borrowed” it :-)). A deal breaker is a boundary line in relationships that if  crossed, can mean you’re in deep sugar honey iced tea (break up territory). I coined the phrase to let a few male friends/associates know how serious some offenses  are  in a relationship and no she (his wife/girlfriend/baby mama/jump off/etc.) ain’t tripping because if he did the same to me I’d divorce/break up/move out/banish him to the couch too. The reason I’m giving all this background info is because 99.99% of the time if someone was banished to the FRIEND ZONE, they haven’t committed any serious offenses except having bad genes. So I ask again. How much of the problem IS us? I’m actually writing this posting several months later than I anticipated because the situation in my life that led me to write about this happened a while back. I  was sitting around doing some self inventory and making a list of the qualities of my past boyfriends/lovers/jump offs/boy toys (yes women have jump offs) and what is was about them that I liked vs what it was about them that I didn’t like. I also decided to make a list of all the qualities I like about my platonic male friends vs what I didn’t like about them. And I found that the list of the ones I was romantically  involved with was pretty close to the “friend” one.  That’s how I arrived at the above question. US? Because when it’s all said and done only you can decide how much you’re willing to overlook in order to be in a relationship with someone. 

Now to the question of pickyness. How picky is too picky? It depends on what you’re looking for. The more casual the relationship, the less picky you can afford to be. However, if your wish is like mine (you wanna mate for life). You need to be picky. Not castrating, leave a brother with SOME dignity. But, picky. Expecting him to have a sense of  permanence and stability about himself (you know, steady income, a place of his own, if he’s living with mother it’s because she’s physically unable to care of herself ), is not being picky. It’s being smart.  Even  God’s word tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23).  Marriage is expected to last for LIFE.

If  you perceive that you’ve been the one banished. Don’t wait. I’m not saying to go and jump into a relationship out of retaliation. But don’t wait. Live your life.  Don’t spend one second in relationship limbo (I’ll explain about that term in a later post). Don’t be their rebound/jump off/other man/woman.  And definitely stay out of bed with them. If they discover that you’re the one while you’re still available, cool. If not, it’s their loss. This is another Proverbsn 4:23 situation because when you’re what I call emotionally invested, it’s hard to make to logical decisions and while you’re waiting, time is passing. Be their friend, but, handle your emotional business. The steps of a good man are ordered BY GOD. 

In His Name,

Sis Anjanette Potter

AnjanetteSpeak

 

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 4c :What Happened to Black Women being Loosed???

Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber ...

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 11And there was a woman there who for eighteen years had had an [f]infirmity caused by a spirit ([g]a demon of sickness). She was [h]bent completely forward and utterly unable to straighten herself up or to [i]look upward.

    12And when Jesus saw her, He called [her to Him] and said to her, Woman, you are released from your infirmity!

    13Then He laid [His] hands on her, and instantly she was made straight, and she [j]recognized and thanked and praised God.

    14But the [k]leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the crowd, There are six days on which work ought to be done; so come on those days and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.(A)

    15But the Lord replied to him, saying, You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?

    16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

    17Even as He said this, all His opponents were put to shame, and all the people were rejoicing over all the glorious things that were being done by Him.

The last time I posted, I wrote about a very touchy subject that may be a contributing factor in the “black church keeping black women single” part of the single black woman conundrum, clergy abuse. Unfortunately, many women are the victims of clergy who don’t know their proper place in life of their female congregants. They become attracted to women in their church and instead of going to God in prayer and allowing Him to heal and deliver them from this inordinate affection, they allow it to stay and fester, turning into an unGodly soul tie.  Then every time a man shows any interest in her, you guessed it, he starts blocking. This is terrible because it is an abuse of one’s God-given authority over HIS flock (his meaning God of course). And it creates an atmosphere of mistrust and insecurity within the people in that congregation. Remember,  the Bible in Matthew 20: 25-28 states what a Christian leaders attitude should be toward God’s people, “25And Jesus called them to Him and said, You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men hold them in subjection [tyrannizing over them].26Not so shall it be among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant,27And whoever desires to be first among you must be your slave– 28Just as the Son of Man came not to be waited on but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many [the price paid to set them free].”

We are not to imitate or take on the attitudes  of this world (Proverbs 3:31-32, Romans 12: 1-3), in any area of our lives. Blocking someone’s ability to marry because of one’s own attraction to one of the persons involved is a sign that the leader should recuse themselves from the situation (in other words step aside) because you obviously are not able to be objective. If you’re a woman and this is your situation, you need to either change churches or find someone else to do your marriage preparation.  You don’t need anyone marrying you and your beloved who has a bad attitude about marrying you to anyone (attitudes can create spiritual environments that aren’t conducive to your new marriage). And you certainly don’t need them stirring up strife between you and your future mate (Proverbs 22:10, Proverbs 26:20-22, Proverbs 15:18,  Proverbs 29:22). And if you’re a man, the same rules apply. 

Clergy abuse is bad deal for everyone involved and if a pastor (male or female) is being inappropriate toward  someone they’ve been appointed to lead (male or female), it’s serious. We can’t sweep this problem under the rug any longer.  Some states have passed legislation that makes any inappropriate  sexual between clergy and members a felony and I agree that it should be . That might sound harsh, but considering the special nature of the relationship between clergy and members, it’s a necessary step to restore the sacredness to this relationship. If you ever want to see what happens when there is no Godly leadership, read the book of Judges in the Holy Bible and see the chaos the results from it. The last verse says it all “In those days there was no king in Israel; every man did what was right in his own eyes. ” Now you may say, but Anjanette we have leaders. If your leaders aren’t following Christ then they ain’t leaders. Remember TRUTH dispels lies and TRUTH= Jesus Christ. much love to you. 

                                              In Him,

                                                                Sis Anjanette M. Potter of AnjanetteSpeak

Footnotes:

 

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 4b :What Happened to Black Women being Loosed???

Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber ...

Image via Wikipedia

  11And there was a woman there who for eighteen years had had an [f]infirmity caused by a spirit ([g]a demon of sickness). She was [h]bent completely forward and utterly unable to straighten herself up or to [i]look upward.

    12And when Jesus saw her, He called [her to Him] and said to her, Woman, you are released from your infirmity!

    13Then He laid [His] hands on her, and instantly she was made straight, and she [j]recognized and thanked and praised God.

    14But the [k]leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the crowd, There are six days on which work ought to be done; so come on those days and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.(A)

    15But the Lord replied to him, saying, You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?

    16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

    17Even as He said this, all His opponents were put to shame, and all the people were rejoicing over all the glorious things that were being done by Him.

Sorry it has taken me soooooo long since my last post. Right now I’m in school and well you know priorites. Anyway the last time I posted, I was ministering out the above text. My focus is on our heroine who has been bound for eighteen years. I remember comparing her to many in the Church (remember my sentiments about the so-called “Black Church” ) who desired to marry and feel as though they are being “kept single” by an oppressive church environment.

Now, I remember stating that not all churches are unhealthy BUT also that not all churches are healthy either. Unfortunately because many pastors are sick, so are many churches. Sometimes a leader can have an unhealthy attachment to his female members (picture Lot and his   daughters) to the point where he can’t bear to think of her with any other man. It’s sad but true. And unless this “soul tie” is broken, he’ll continue to protest every time she wants to get married forcing her to leave home. It’s incestuous, sick, and perverted and needs to be addressed. It shouldn’t take the threat of embarrassment to make people address the skeletons in their closet, but, then again some people need that ( you know that whole business about a hard head and a soft behind???) in order to see themselves for who they really are. Otherwise they’ll just continue to keep wounding innocent people.

Someone once quoted Bishop T.D. Jakes as saying , in a men’s conference, that men have issues that cause them to bleed (Mat 9:20-22; Mar 5:25-34; Luk 8:43-47). I have no doubt that hurting people hurt people and are in need of the kind of healing that only a relationship can bring , however sooner or later the woman with the issue of blood touched Jesus’ garment and got healed. So that is my charge to those male ministers who are praying on their female members. It’s time to touch his garment and be made whole. No more excuses. Just as Jesus moved on to the dead girl he was on his way to raise anyway (He got interrupted, but not intercepted), the church needs to move on to raising up those that are spiritually dead. No more being interrupted by wounded healers. Sexual harrasment, rape, molestation, inordinate affections and other sexual sins, are a spiritual issue that need to addressed before things get out hand and more people are damaged. Damaged pastors pass on a damaged legacy of hurt and mistrust. Our job as the church is to raise the dead not create more graves. If a pastor can’t be trusted around the women in his flock, he needs to step down and get help. You are of no use to the Body of Christ bleeding. God has the ability to restore, but you must first admit it and quit it. Next post I’ll touch on this further and address another troubling trend I’m seeing . Until next time, remember that lies bring bondage only Truth makes free and Truth=Jesus Christ . Anything else is a lie.

The Single Black Woman Conundrum Pt. 4 : What happened to Women being Loosed???

    11And there was a woman there who for eighteen years had had an [f]infirmity caused by a spirit ([g]a demon of sickness). She was [h]bent completely forward and utterly unable to straighten herself up or to [i]look upward.

    12And when Jesus saw her, He called [her to Him] and said to her, Woman, you are released from your infirmity!

    13Then He laid [His] hands on her, and instantly she was made straight, and she [j]recognized and thanked and praised God.

    14But the [k]leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the crowd, There are six days on which work ought to be done; so come on those days and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.(A)

    15But the Lord replied to him, saying, You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?

    16And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

    17Even as He said this, all His opponents were put to shame, and all the people were rejoicing over all the glorious things that were being done by Him.

This is one of those pesky times when you think you have a scripture all picked out that would serve your purpose and you realize that it doesn’t say what you thought it said (how humbling) but as you read it, you realize that it fits still the topic at hand (it’s all good).  When I started this series, I wrote about three differing scenarios that illustrate some of the many viewpoints that single black women face in their journey through this thing called life. The scenario I’d like to tackle today is the issue of the “black church” and it’s attitude towards single black women.

Sometime during the summer, a fellow blogger  and twitter acquaintance of mine wrote an article charging the “black church” with the state of  “keeping black women single”. And depending on you ask, some agreed with her, others, not so much. Before I tell you my thoughts about whether not I personally fault “black church” as a whole, I have  an illustration I’d like to show you first. It’s concerning our heroine in the above scripture.  As you notice, a demon has her bound. So bound that she’s bent over and can’t lift her head to look up and see the world around her. And she’s been in this state for EIGHTEEN YEARS!!! Jesus takes one look at her and says to her “Woman, you are released from your infirmity!” (for the King James fans  “Woman, thou art loosed from thine infirmity” in keeping with the book by Bishop T.D. Jakes with the same name). In verse 14 of this text the ruler of the ruler of the synagogue is indignant over Jesus healing her on the sabbath (sometimes even a leader can hate on you). To which Jesus replied “You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?

Now you may wonder why I would choose to use this scripture about a women being bound by a demon of infirmity in conjunction with my single sisters. Am referring to singleness as a state of bondage?? Of course not.  I’m single  and do believe that once a person commits to enjoying the rich rewards that come with their “gift of singleness” there’s no more rewarding time in the life of a believing person. However what if I wanted to be married and felt like it was held up by some type of interference????? Hmmmm…. What if I thought “the church” was the reason for this “hold up”???? Hmmmm…. You see one the promises of the gospel message is that the oppressed should be delivered (Luke 4 :18).  Like Jesus stated above about our heroine paraphrasing ” Doesn’t she, being a child of covenant, have a right to be set free???” After all this poor woman had bowed over for EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!!” And she obviously knew there was a problem or she wouldn’t have presented herself to Jesus in the first place. Marinate on that thought while I move on…..

Let me first answer that while I don’t agree that “black church” all by itself keeps black women single, some have suggested that certain teachings are the problem (not being unequally yoked with an unbeliever”, not having sex until marriage, among others). But anyone who is saved and seen the consequences of just these two violations, alone can attest to the fact that the fallout from compromising God’s standards for our sexuality and marriage standards is enough to keep a person single the rest of their life. As Joyce Myer has stated “There’s nothing in heaven that is better than a good marriage, but there’s nothing in hell that is worse than a bad one”. Notice  I said “God’s standard” and the “black church’s ” standard. The two are not always synonymous. They should be. But they aren’t and that’s part of the problem. The other part of the problem is the one I am addressing today.

Let me start by saying that it really makes me wince when I hear people say “black church” because ALL Christians are a part of the Body/Bride of Christ which includes being part of THE CHURCH (the ecclesia or “called out ones”)universal.  So no matter whose membership role you’re on, you are a member of a worldwide organization whose membership is ever increasing and is not part of this present world. Anyway, reigning in my inner preacher, to just  say nonchalantly that black church doesn’t keep black women single is just as bad as saying it does. Why, because both are blanket statements that don’t take in to account that even though we are  part of the universal church, each assembly is different . So because one assembly has a healthy relationship with its Pastor/ leader doesn’t mean every assembly has that testimony. And every unhealthy assembly ain’t black!!! Many women of all ethnic persuasions complain about these  same issues.  And no I don’t believe the answer is to leave church as Ms. Cooper stated in her article. First of all, not all single women of any particular persuasion are feeling “pressed” to marry. Secondly, when a child thinks the answer to problems at home is to runaway from that home, I’m tempted to investigate that home to make sure that child ain’t being abused (yeah I said it). Everyone who leaves home ain’t leaving out of rebellion. Some conditions in some homes are so unbearable that some children need to be placed elsewhere (foster care, adopted out, what have you). Such as the church. Some church atmospheres are so oppressive and corrupt that even a beautiful thing like getting married can become  a power struggle (know this firsthand, unfortunately). It ought not to be among the seed of Abraham.

 Like our heroine in the above scripture,  many women feel “bound” because they want to marry and feel as though they are being “kept single.” In some cases it may be that they are marrying “beneath their privilege” (it ain’t God’s best person or situation for them).  In some cases however, it’s the work of a dysfunctional home environment (Pastor too controlling  or worse). The beautiful thing about Jesus (the author and finisher our faith) is that He truly is the answer to all of our problems. Just like He was able to bring healing our above heroine, He can bring healing to this situation as well.  I’m going address how in my next post next week. I’m going to discuss another issue that is concerning me in the whole Single Black Woman Conundrum .