Have you ever had questions about behavior that wasn’t preceded in the Bible by a “Thou shalt not _______”? If you have, this post is for you. In these two recordings, I discuss how make Godly decisions about areas in your life that may not be clearly defined in scripture. I hope that this post helps you. Feel to comment any opinions you wish to share…,
This post is meant to be read with a bit of humor. Strange Rites of Passage are life’s unusual way of teaching valuable lessons about itself and those who choose to participate in it. Enjoy…
If you haven’t had the above conversation with a man, you probably know someone who has. And although you don’t necessarily have to be a mistress to have this conversation, it certainly adds clarity to a situation. What clarity? You’re probably asking. I’ll tell you what clarity. It’s the realization that when you make up your mind to be truly honest with yourself, you wind up admitting that your current romantic situation just isn’t as fulfilling as you would like it to be. In other words, it ain’t cutting it. When you come to this realization, the above confrontation may take place.
You probably recognize the characters in the above clip from the TV series “Scandal”. To give a little bit of background, the black woman I this clip is a political “fixer” who has been involved in an ongoing affair in an incumbent president (the white guy in the clip). The two had been apart for a time and despite her attempts to resist, started hooking back up again. Although the two actually are in love with one another, our heroine has realized that she can’t continue to live with their relationship like it is. The president, like most presidents, is married. In fact he’s involved in what I call a “political marriage”. A marriage that isn’t necessarily based on mutual love, respect, and trust, but on the career aspirations of both the wife and husband (his desire for power and her desire to be married to a powerful man).
Now our heroine is not the stereotypical mistress in that she’s not financially dependent on her lover, in fact she’s the kind of woman who a lot people who never suspect as “mistress” material. In fact she’s probably the new face of mistresses (career minded, educated, and upwardly mobile). A more realistic portrait of what side chicks actually are (women).
At the risk of sounding like I’m condoning sleeping with other women’s husbands (I’m not), I’ve had to tell a lot of women that all women are not after other women’s husbands, but “trip over” them on their way to their own. Which doesn’t mean I don’t hold women accountable for their indiscretions with married men, but it’s pretty hard to trip over a man who isn’t in your way. One thing I give this side chick credit for is recognizing that she wasn’t happy in this situation and having the guts to be ready to end it. Kill it and put it out of its misery already. And refusing to come back while it remains unchanged. No demanding he leave his wife (which happened in this case), just good old fashioned it ain’t working so I must bounce, whether we reconcile or not.
Leaving an unsatisfactory relationship takes a great deal of courage that I wish more women possessed.
In His Name,
Sis Anjanette M. Potter
Next week I’ll be posting again to continue writing my series ” The Single Black Woman Conundrum”. Meanwhile, in keeping with my prominse to keep timely and newsworthy content, I’m postin this article from Christianity Today. Let me know what you think. Have a blessed weekend. Good News: Jesus Is Not Nice | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction.
Last week I asked the question “How Much of the Problem Is Us?” The topic was assigning people who don’t fit our list of superficial (swag/money/penis/looks) criteria to the “FRIEND ZONE”. And I ended with three questions. How much should you overlook just to say you’re in a relationship (or married)? How picky is too picky? And if you’re the friend, how long do you pine away wishing that the person would just give you a “CHANCE” to prove that you could be “the one?”
I coined a term a few years back called “deal breaker” (others have since “borrowed” it :-)). A deal breaker is a boundary line in relationships that if crossed, can mean you’re in deep sugar honey iced tea (break up territory). I coined the phrase to let a few male friends/associates know how serious some offenses are in a relationship and no she (his wife/girlfriend/baby mama/jump off/etc.) ain’t tripping because if he did the same to me I’d divorce/break up/move out/banish him to the couch too. The reason I’m giving all this background info is because 99.99% of the time if someone was banished to the FRIEND ZONE, they haven’t committed any serious offenses except having bad genes. So I ask again. How much of the problem IS us? I’m actually writing this posting several months later than I anticipated because the situation in my life that led me to write about this happened a while back. I was sitting around doing some self inventory and making a list of the qualities of my past boyfriends/lovers/jump offs/boy toys (yes women have jump offs) and what is was about them that I liked vs what it was about them that I didn’t like. I also decided to make a list of all the qualities I like about my platonic male friends vs what I didn’t like about them. And I found that the list of the ones I was romantically involved with was pretty close to the “friend” one. That’s how I arrived at the above question. US? Because when it’s all said and done only you can decide how much you’re willing to overlook in order to be in a relationship with someone.
Now to the question of pickyness. How picky is too picky? It depends on what you’re looking for. The more casual the relationship, the less picky you can afford to be. However, if your wish is like mine (you wanna mate for life). You need to be picky. Not castrating, leave a brother with SOME dignity. But, picky. Expecting him to have a sense of permanence and stability about himself (you know, steady income, a place of his own, if he’s living with mother it’s because she’s physically unable to care of herself ), is not being picky. It’s being smart. Even God’s word tells us to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). Marriage is expected to last for LIFE.
If you perceive that you’ve been the one banished. Don’t wait. I’m not saying to go and jump into a relationship out of retaliation. But don’t wait. Live your life. Don’t spend one second in relationship limbo (I’ll explain about that term in a later post). Don’t be their rebound/jump off/other man/woman. And definitely stay out of bed with them. If they discover that you’re the one while you’re still available, cool. If not, it’s their loss. This is another Proverbsn 4:23 situation because when you’re what I call emotionally invested, it’s hard to make to logical decisions and while you’re waiting, time is passing. Be their friend, but, handle your emotional business. The steps of a good man are ordered BY GOD.
In His Name,
Sis Anjanette Potter
I’m going to write about a situation that most of us have found ourselves in at one time or another. Here’s the scenario, boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl doesn’t like boy back (chemistry), dismisses boy’s romantic overtures and promptly banishes boy into, you guessed it, THE FRIEND ZONE!!! THE FRIEND ZONE is the place where perfectly good men who just didn’t have enough chemistry/swag/money/penis/you name it get sent when they don’t fit our superficial criteria of what kind of man we want. Many men hate the friend zone and I understand why (having been there a few times my own self ). Because really, who wants to be told that they’re not good enough to date you, then have to listen to all your relationship problems and on top of that have to give you advice and have to act like it doesn’t bother them that you’re with someone else. I’ve been on both sides of this coin, so I can speak with some authority from both sides of it. As the guilty party, should you sacrifice qualities that aren’t must haves, but for you make a relationship really nice to be in. And is it really fair to the offended party if you do? I don’t know about you, but, I’ve always been of the mind that BOTH parties in a relationship should mutually think that each other is the bees knees (translation: all that and a bag of chips). And I don’t want no one acting like they are doing me a favor by giving me a “CHANCE” to be in a relationship with them (as if?!?). On the other hand, do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to deal with the very things that made you turn them down in the first place? How much should you overlook just to say you’re in a relationship (or married). How picky is too picky? And if you’re the friend, how long do you pine away wishing that the person would just give you a “CHANCE” to prove that you could be “the one?” I decided to make this one a two parter (possibly a miniseries). I feel “led” to stay on this one for a minute.
In His Name,
11And there was a woman there who for eighteen years had had an [f]infirmity caused by a spirit ([g]a demon of sickness). She was [h]bent completely forward and utterly unable to straighten herself up or to [i]look upward.
14But the [k]leader of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the crowd, There are six days on which work ought to be done; so come on those days and be cured, and not on the Sabbath day.(A)
15But the Lord replied to him, saying, You playactors (hypocrites)! Does not each one of you on the Sabbath loose his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it out to water it?
17Even as He said this, all His opponents were put to shame, and all the people were rejoicing over all the glorious things that were being done by Him.
The last time I posted, I wrote about a very touchy subject that may be a contributing factor in the “black church keeping black women single” part of the single black woman conundrum, clergy abuse. Unfortunately, many women are the victims of clergy who don’t know their proper place in life of their female congregants. They become attracted to women in their church and instead of going to God in prayer and allowing Him to heal and deliver them from this inordinate affection, they allow it to stay and fester, turning into an unGodly soul tie. Then every time a man shows any interest in her, you guessed it, he starts blocking. This is terrible because it is an abuse of one’s God-given authority over HIS flock (his meaning God of course). And it creates an atmosphere of mistrust and insecurity within the people in that congregation. Remember, the Bible in Matthew 20: 25-28 states what a Christian leaders attitude should be toward God’s people, “25And Jesus called them to Him and said, You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men hold them in subjection [tyrannizing over them].26Not so shall it be among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant,27And whoever desires to be first among you must be your slave– 28Just as the Son of Man came not to be waited on but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many [the price paid to set them free].”
We are not to imitate or take on the attitudes of this world (Proverbs 3:31-32, Romans 12: 1-3), in any area of our lives. Blocking someone’s ability to marry because of one’s own attraction to one of the persons involved is a sign that the leader should recuse themselves from the situation (in other words step aside) because you obviously are not able to be objective. If you’re a woman and this is your situation, you need to either change churches or find someone else to do your marriage preparation. You don’t need anyone marrying you and your beloved who has a bad attitude about marrying you to anyone (attitudes can create spiritual environments that aren’t conducive to your new marriage). And you certainly don’t need them stirring up strife between you and your future mate (Proverbs 22:10, Proverbs 26:20-22, Proverbs 15:18, Proverbs 29:22). And if you’re a man, the same rules apply.
Clergy abuse is bad deal for everyone involved and if a pastor (male or female) is being inappropriate toward someone they’ve been appointed to lead (male or female), it’s serious. We can’t sweep this problem under the rug any longer. Some states have passed legislation that makes any inappropriate sexual between clergy and members a felony and I agree that it should be . That might sound harsh, but considering the special nature of the relationship between clergy and members, it’s a necessary step to restore the sacredness to this relationship. If you ever want to see what happens when there is no Godly leadership, read the book of Judges in the Holy Bible and see the chaos the results from it. The last verse says it all “In those days there was no king in Israel; every man did what was right in his own eyes. ” Now you may say, but Anjanette we have leaders. If your leaders aren’t following Christ then they ain’t leaders. Remember TRUTH dispels lies and TRUTH= Jesus Christ. much love to you.
Sis Anjanette M. Potter of AnjanetteSpeak
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